I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
