My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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