I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i out mim tonsoeep
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