I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
