I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Pants are for mortals
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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