I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
