I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
