Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I haven't been this sober since birth.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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