Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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