he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
