I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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