the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
