There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
