so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
