Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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