I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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