I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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