Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
