please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
