Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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