If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
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I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
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Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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