Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
His nipple licking is glorious
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