The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
