I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
