I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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