Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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