I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
