Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
