I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.