Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.