Redeem this text for a blowjob
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
