I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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