how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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