i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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