Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
