I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
