i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
