You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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