bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize