I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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