i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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