You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
two words: eviction party
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
