We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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