I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
meet me or not, i'm out of control
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
