I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Ketchup is God's man juice
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
