does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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