I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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