I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
