Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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