Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
