I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
