She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
