theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
not ubering you a puppy
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
A bitchslap is in order.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
