I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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