if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm eating all of the evidence.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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