I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
