Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
