i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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